The new microwave is evil

Our old microwave oven died. It was sad because it died in the line of duty. Halfway through the reheating of Charlie’s spaghetti, mid fling of sauce to roof, the microwave began to spark. Quickly we realised that was not good in the big Not Good way. We turned it off (because we are geniuses!) and opened the door. And there was the burning electrical smell that signed the death warrant on our sturdy, well loved, well used, year old microwave.

A microwave oven that is more than a year old is living on borrowed time.

Shiny new enormous evil. (Matchbox for size comparison. I was going to use my phone for the comparison but then I needed the phone to take the picture. I didn’t think of that until I’d set up the shot. True story.)

I think I’m more than a little annoyed that it was just a few days after I’d just cleaned all the globs of crusted food from its insides. It went down shiny. I carried it down to the dumpster and pitched it in. No ceremony.

Jed ordered another on Amazon. He’s done really well the last couple of weeks. We had to get a new kettle and a toaster – he scored both on Amazon and they’re both amazing. Jed is getting a bit annoying with the whole “I am Amazon King! Look at this fantastic kettle. Look at the incredible toaster!” So naturally he decided his brilliant Amazon skills would provide us with a new microwave that would be far better than any we could buy anywhere else.

After suffering two days with no microwave (which is terrible if you have teens, because you can’t heat a hot pocket without a microwave, and therefore eating is over and teens are hungry and they then eat all the other food and leave evidence of it all over the bench), the new microwave arrived.

I am sure this thing will kill us all in the night.

It is enormous. I’m serious. I’m certain Jed didn’t realise how big this thing was when he got it, because things are not life-sized on the internet. It takes up most of the kitchen bench. I could fit the Thanksgiving turkey in there. Or a small child. It’s weird where your mind goes in these situations.

Jed handed me the little booklet of instructions that came with it. After I threw the instructions in the bin, Jed announced, “Let’s cook something!” And for the life of me, after two days of no microwave and missing it so badly, I couldn’t think of a thing I needed to cook, so he got some leftovers out of the fridge and decided to make himself lunch at 4pm. And that’s where the truth became known.

Food went in the microwave, door closed, buttons pushed. The light came on, the timer began. And it was SILENT.

“Oh, it’s quiet isn’t it?” Both of us staring in the door at the spinning plate.

“Is it working?”

“That’s like, scary silent. Like a kid’s pretend microwave. It’s too quiet. When it finishes heating, I wonder if it will make a massive DING sound? That is kind of like all the noise it’s supposed to make, all saved up for the end.” (This truly is how my mind works.)

“It would be tricking us. You know, so silent you forget it’s in there, but then it scares the crap out of you with its almighty DING.” If I were a microwave, that’s how I’d work. But it didn’t make a big ding sound. Which makes me a little bit scared of it. This massive, silent beast is sitting in our kitchen, heating things. Cooking away. I am certain that “Enjoy your meal” on the little screen is silently followed with “while you can” because that silent beast is cooking up more than just food – evil little plans on how to destroy us all.

So we have a new microwave. But I’m keeping an eye on it, and if we all wake up dead in the morning, then you guys know what appliance did it.


  • OMG . This totally made my morning! Lol!!!! I have to admit, even though the new microwave is clearly evil and you SHOULD keep an eye open in the middle of the night… I now have microwave envy!

  • A silent microwave? Who knew such a thing existed! But, how will I know my kids mac n cheese is ready when I am on Facebook?

  • It’s a Panasonic Genius Sensor 1250W – it’s a load of garbage. It overheats all the time, and I hate it.

  • This is hysterical!! Thanks for that!! Reading this made my evening….
    I have a question though.. Does the door make a racket when opening and closing? I had to get rid of my “Panasonic NN-SD797S Genius “Prestige” 1.6 cu ft 1250-Watt Sensor Microwave with Inverter Technology & Blue Readout, Stainless Steel”… It worked really well for the task at hand but the door was SO loud and there is absolutely NO way to close it quietly. The kids are getting older and come home with friends (later then I want to be up).. They are good kids and are nice enough not to be loud and wake us up.. it’s the microwave DOOR that wakes us up.. it’s so frustrating.. Microwaves have been available commercially since the early 70’s and yet the loud doors are a part of the technology that seems to be overlooked. I’m just wondering if THIS one might be quiet..
    -thanks again for the chuckle..

  • OMG what a perfect question. My mum said I never was loud coming home in the middle of the night, but she’d be awoken by the “sound of my key in the lock.” I kid you not. You might end up with a ‘day’ microwave and a ‘night’ microwave. Can I recommend the ‘night’ microwave be the one in the local 7-11 that the kids access before they land at home? Alternatively, perhaps there will need to be a no microwaving after 8pm rule implemented. When we were kids there were no microwaves and yet we survived. We’d grill cheese on toast after a hard night out. Maybe that’s another way through this nightmare of clunking doors?

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