Mediamum » family

Just us Talking: When should kids get to decide for themselves?

mediamum — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 23:24:01 +0000

None of us like to say we live our own lives through our children. We recognise that their lives are their own – not a do-over for ourselves. But what do you do when you see your kids be offered an opportunity that you think is fantastic, but that they want to turn down? What if that opportunity is a really big deal? Can you stand back and let them allow it to pass them by?

It starts early. Sport teams, friendships, perhaps even student council or volunteer stuff… little things. You might want your child to get involved, but they’re reluctant. Some people might nudge their child’s choices in the ‘right’ direction with negotiation or even bribery (oh come on, we’ve all totally done that). Others allow children to have the final say, and then are criticised for allowing their kids to do whatever they feel like.

For example, one of my sons had an opportunity to become part of an organised sporting team. He didn’t want to commit to the formality of it all even though he liked to just hang out with the team while they were training in our local park behind our house and he was always invited to play along too. He liked the relaxed, fun part. He didn’t feel the need for membership, didn’t want the shirt, and honestly, without a car of our own and travel/work schedules, I didn’t need the responsibility of it all. One parent of another child in the team said how “disappointing it was” that my son didn’t get more involved in the team (read: you’re being a bad parent for not getting your child to do this). Over and over again. Sigh, walk away.

That’s just the beginning. Kids grow up. They make bigger choices. Classes, part-time jobs, internships all enter the picture, along with social choices. It actually never gets easier. The kids get bigger, but so do the choices. It’s never easy to just let them make all their decisions.

When do you start giving your kids control over what they choose to do? Perhaps you let them decide, but you bend their ear relentlessly about whether their choice is the ‘right’ one or not. (Pause right here… sorry Bec. I should have been quiet more often. I’ve learned that. A bit.) During the teen years perhaps the parenting becomes more about your ability to nag than the ability to physically have influence and limitations on the choices your kids make. Perhaps we overcompensate with our opinions because our children get to the point where they have the same rights in society that we do?

When do we step back and let them make their choices, just as we make ours, and allow them to see what happens? Perhaps we never really do. My own mum sent me an email at the start of the summer, letting me know that she thinks the kids need a haircut. (She’s right, but they didn’t want one really and as long as it’s clean, I don’t care that much.) I’m 42. I hope she never truly steps back – it made me feel great that she told me what she thought. Then in June I was making Max’s birthday cake. I sent her a picture of the tin I was using. She emailed quickly back, “Don’t forget to grease the pan well, and let it cool for 10 minutes so it doesn’t stick…” Yep, she’s parenting me still from thousands of miles away. I don’t actually have a problem with that at all.

I’m old enough now that I can do whatever I like, and not need my parents’ approval – but I would still prefer it. And I’m glad to have kids that are all over 10 years of age, who are becoming solidly independent individuals. Sure, the kids have their own decisions to make that I’d do differently. But they’re not me, and their choices are not life-threatening unless I let my mind run wild with highly unlikely circumstances which would make them so. For example, I’d prefer one of my sons not play football, but he wants to. I could decide he’s likely to end up with a neck injury because you know, that’s happened to people in the past, so I’d like to discourage him… but I’ve allowed him to drive a scooter in a car park (he crashed), so really they should take the whole parenting licence thing away.

Finally, my 11 year old, Charlie, has caught two buses on his own home from school for over a year – the link stop is outside the supermarket, so of course it didn’t take long for him to decide to go in there for a soda on occasion – he even got his own store loyalty card at the service desk so he gets the discounts! And at Christmas he gave the $20 bill he had in his wallet to a homeless guy on that same corner. It was his choice. And while for us, $20 is a lot of money, for the homeless guy I’d guess it was even more. Charlie’s decision to give his money away would not have been mine. But I’m glad he decided to do it. Because sometimes the decisions the kids make remind me they really know better than me, and they should totally have the freedom to embrace those decisions – and teach me too.

Our home is sold, and it’s not just bricks and mortar

mediamum — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 15:35:49 +0000

When we left Australia on the 17th of August, 2008, I didn’t realise I might never step foot back into our house again. Sure, I knew we were pretty likely to eventually sell the place, but it just didn’t occur to me that it was the last time I’d be inside those walls. The home that held so many memories. The home that I renovated hand in hand with our conveniently located builder neighbour into a fabulous home with my own office.

My mum and I painted the beams for the massive pergola. We bought the paint. I still have the clothes with stains everywhere. It took about a week to paint them. I chose the tiles myself, and stipulated the pattern to the tiler guy, (and also berated his math and wastage) and even ensured the tiles came up the edges in the kitchen to allow for easier mopping and a cleaner look (totally worked, too).

The kitchen cupboard door still has all the kids’ heights on it. I’m glad I took pictures of them.

And now as the paperwork finalising the sale gets completed, I realise I will be left with no debt (which is great), but also no security. The only thing I have to ensure my future financially is my ability to work and be paid well for it; something I’ve worked hard for, but which relies on my health to be sure to happen. And right now, I’m feeling a little too old to count on that.

So much has changed since we moved to Boulder. It’s an incredible journey and it’s not over yet. Not by a long shot. And as my mum reminds me, I couldn’t ever see us living back in that home. My dream home is not longer the dream home. Our lives have moved on, our family has grown up from then. Yet it’s still incredibly difficult to let it go.

The kids in the back yard of the old house. They were clean - that's picture worthy!

I hope the buyers love the house, and enjoy their new lives there. I hope the vibes our family left carry over for them, and I hope they know it’s a positive space for their family. I hope they have babies, pets, and richness of the heart, if not of the monetary kind. I hope they are enveloped in love, and recognise that the house isn’t just bricks and mortar. It’s a place to nurture those special times, and special people.

And I pray the next home we buy, whenever that happens and wherever that is, continues to make me feel that connectedness to home. I never want to say a home is just bricks and mortar. It’s like saying a wedding ring is just a band of gold.

It’s all so much more.

PS: If you’d like to see more pictures of the house we just sold, we had a Facebook page for it during the selling process, and it has stacks of pictures here.

The long road home

Things I don’t need to hear from my family

mediamum — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 13:47:43 +0000

Conversations with my family are wonderful. I love the little chats had with the kids and the husband in passing as we all go about our daily business. Sometimes, though, the sentences that spill from the lips of the wonderful people who live in this house should never have been shared. I wish they never spake them (ooh, I said spake). Here are some examples:

1. “Mum, I can aim this gun really good, even without the scope!” (Images of the scene in Parenthood where Steve Martin is congratulating his son for his aim from the belltower flash before my eyes.)

2. “Next door had to get the pest guy. They think they have a rat.” (I do NOT want to know about this. Where do you think the rat will move next?)

3. “What did you do with my passport?” (Um, what? I don’t know what bothers me most – You losing your passport, or the fact you’re going to try pinning it on me? )

4. “I transferred $500 from your account to cover a bill.” (The account only had $400 in it, and it needed to last two weeks. ‘Nuff said.)

5. “How did parent teacher night go?” (At 8pm when I was supposed to be at parent teacher night at 6pm, and forgot all about it. I would rather have had the reminder at 5pm than the callout afterwards.)

Our dog ate my phone. And nobody stopped her.

6. “The dog has your phone.” (Really? You’re telling me this instead of grabbing the phone off her? Do you think the dog somehow should have my phone and you’re just checking in? The special part is the follow-up of “Why did you let the dog have your phone?” as if it was something I did on purpose.)

And the clincher:

7. “I don’t have any socks.” (This cloaked thing brings up numerous reactions in me. Depending upon my mood, the response will be “Who died and made that my problem?” “You have plenty of socks. Lying all over your room.” “If you brought your laundry basket upstairs this would not be an issue.” If it’s followed by asking me to go down to the basement and get a pair for the person, then stabbiness may ensue.)

Yep, gotta love the people in your household. Just wish that sometimes they wouldn’t talk.

Pictures my kids ruined

mediamum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 15:18:44 +0000

As a blogger, you need lots of good pics. Especially when using a theme that needs a really good one for the main feature (you don’t want a lack of a pic to be something that stops you posting).

I thought instead of just keeping all the pics I’ve rejected from intended posts, I’d actually make a post featuring those pics, so you can share the pain/humour.

Halloween 2008
This was our first Halloween in the US (ie our first real Halloween full stop). Jed was overseas, so it was just the boys and I. We caught the bus to Pearl Street, all dressed up and trick or treated. Harry was addicted to Chris Lilley’s (fantastic) We Can Be Heroes, featuring a character who flips the bird the whole time. He ruined the pictures. I found out after getting home and loading them. Double joy.
So, that was a post that didn’t get written. Harry even continued to do this through our first winter here. I think the effect was a little lost wearing ski gloves. But that didn’t stop him.

So then, like chickenpox a couple of years prior, this disgraceful habit spread to Charlie.

But thankfully, it didn’t last long. (ie I’d had enough and threw a barmy over this practice of ruining pictures.) So these days I get more decent, authentically ruined pictures to try and work with. They’re pictures you used to shove in a shoebox and ignore. They used to take up more than half a roll of film (and still do) but of course these days you don’t have to pay for them. And as a bonus, today I can make a little video featuring all of them, in their embarrassing glory. Thus, I bring you, the Family Fail.

How to make a quick family video with Windows Movie Maker

mediamum — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:32:35 +0000

When Max leaped across from Sydney to join us for three weeks in January, we took lots of pictures. As mums do.

I promised myself I’d get them organised, and create a nice montage. As mums do.

Now we’re halfway through February, and the planned montage didn’t happen because other things got in the way. As they do.

Max enjoying the view.

I decided I was being too much of a perfectionist. I just needed to do it. So this morning I opened the new Windows Movie Maker, and plugged in a series of pictures we took as we hiked the Flatirons.

The pictures included views, close ups of snow, crappy ones of trees, some that were out of focus and even one of Max’s jacket that he’d thrown aside as he climbed the final part of the Flatiron, knowing I was coming up behind. (Even teenagers on hikes think mum will pick up after them.) All of them combined were a memory for us.

For the first time ever I clicked on the Auto Movie feature.

Auto Movie allows you to choose some music to go in the background, from the selection already on your computer.

It then crunches it all, does the transitions for you and so on. You can then watch the result, go in and make a few changes if you would like to, and publish directly to YouTube or DVD, or just save it on your computer.

From the moment I opened Movie Maker to the time I was watching the finished product was within about 40 minutes – much faster than if I’d painstakingly put the whole thing together myself. As I had always done before.

As mums, success is about recognising when you can give a little in order to get things done, rather than be a perfectionist at everything (and let’s face it, rarely are we completely happy with what we produce even after days of working on it). That said, I think Movie Maker did a darned fine job. I like to think I could do better than a automated system, but you know what, just quietly? I think this is probably proof I’m no James Cameron.

Windows Movie Maker has always been a favourite of mine. It’s intuitive, easy (ie obvious) to use for non-techy people, and produces very respectable results that you can easily adjust if you’re unhappy or just want to tweak things.

Windows Movie Maker opens the realm of possibility for my 9 and 12 year olds to make movies without paying for lots of equipment or training. In a world where we want to encourage people to have a voice and create content, ease of use and access for people of all ages and technical abilities is the most important factor. Movie Maker gives that to you. Others don’t.

I hope you enjoy watching the little montage. And I’d love to see your own efforts!

We’re in training for the 2010 World Speed Stacking Championships

mediamum — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 04:45:20 +0000

Moving to Denver meant we moved to the heart of Speed Stacking. We’d tried it out back in Australia, because you know, it’s freaky to watch so as soon as we saw the ad on tv we just had to give it a go.

The sport hasn’t taken off in Australia like it has in other some places. But Denver is where it originated, and so here we are, equipped with cups, timers and mats.

This sport is great for kids to build their fine motor skills, concentration and team work. I love the flexibility of it all, and the way kids can move at their own pace, and challenge themselves to beat their own times. It’s competitive without needing to beat other people (although you can of course do that). The equipment (some cups) is easily transportable, and fairly inexpensive to buy if you just want the basic set (around $15). I treated myself to a set of little thimble-like cups at the World event last year ($8).

I’m not telling you my times. It’s embarrassing. Instead, here are the current world records, including different countries. I’ll end with a video of the kids at the World Sport Stacking Championships last year. We have the cups out of the toybox now, and are in training for this year, which will be held at the Denver coliseum from April 10-11. There’s an event for adults too, especially as doubles! Anyone want to join me? I promise you can use the standard size cups…

Skiing on a budget with kids in Colorado

mediamum — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 21:37:44 +0000

If you’re looking for a great deal for skiing, then a little preparation is in order. Think it out early, and you’ll save lots. Leave it to the last minute, and you’ll be paying for it – literally. As a grad student mum with extremely limited funds, I have got hold of some great deals, and I wanted to share some resources with you.

The Colorado Gems Card. For a $10 initial outlay per card, you get a whole range of discounts and free ski days at various resorts across Colorado. The card pays for itself after the first one or two times of use – for example, at Eldora it will get the holder $10 off the price of a child’s lift ticket (normally $39 a day), and $15 off an adult ticket (normally $65 a day). (One per person, per card, per day.) The processing takes a week or two, so get it early to make good use of it.

The Colorado Passport gives your 5th grader three FREE days of skiing at over 20 resorts in Colorado, and four days for 6th graders. It’s a really great way to get some good savings across numerous resorts, from Eldora to Aspen. The Colorado Passport is FREE for 5th graders, and $99 for 6th graders. It’s well worth the investment for the 6th grader – look at how much the lift tickets would cost you at the resort you’re most likely to go to, and you’ll see what an impact having the card makes. You need to have a picture of your child to process, and online is the fastest way of doing the application. The site says it takes about 2-3 weeks for processing, but I did it two days ago, and it’s already on its way. Important: You do not have to be a resident of Colorado to get this passport – if you know your family will ski Colorado at any time this season, it’s a great one to get for your 5th or 6th grader!

The School of Shred gives your 5th and 6th graders four FREE days of skiing at all the Vail Resort properties. There is no charge for this card at all, for either grade – just take evidence of enrolment to the pass office at any of the included resorts, and they’ll sort you out with all of it done on the spot. (You can feasibly do this on the day you arrive to ski.)

Additionally, you can get discount lift tickets through local supermarkets such as King Soopers (you need to go there, not able to buy online). There the tickets this season will save you around 5-10% off the ticket office price. Not a massive saving, but everything helps and this is one option for those who find themselves considering skiing the day prior to heading up the mountain.

Ski rentals are expensive on the mountain. If you plan it well, you can rent in town for a cheaper rate. Just be prepared to pick up the afternoon of the day prior to your ski day, and return either the same day, or early the day after you shred. For the front range, Boulder Ski Deals is my rental location of choice, with rentals from just $10 a day for kids skis and even better deals for everyone as the season gets older. You can also try Crystal Ski Shop and the rentskis.com site. All these have deals for group rates, and extended rentals. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Food and beverages are expensive (and are kind of like airplane food in quality) on the mountain, so if at all possible, take your own lunch and snacks. The best skiing seems to happen in the mornings, with everyone winding down after lunch, so don’t think you need to take a heap of food with you – a sandwich, some juice/water and snacks is fine. Remember your chapstick and sunscreen (irritating to be so prepared and then have to buy them on the mountain).

And one final note: Please, rent a helmet. You can get helmets for $10 a day anywhere (in town or on the mountain). In fact, some resorts will charge $10 for the first rental and only $8 for the subsequent ones. We’re all about saving money, but medical expenses are far more than $10. It doesn’t matter how fast you go, if you’re learning, if it’s your first time, or if you’re seasoned – if you want to keep your head and what it has in it, protect it. Helmets keep your head warm, look good, and if you don’t wear one, you’ll be the odd one out on the slopes.

Hopefully this will give you a great start to getting out with your kids on the slopes in Colorado – have fun!

Disney on Ice, Worlds of Fantasy

mediamum — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:11:01 +0000

Disney really has wrapped up every part of entertainment. Everywhere, the Disney organization has a presence. Even in this horrid economy, Disney reported an 18% increase in profit for the fourth quarter this year. The brand resonance of Disney is nothing short of amazing. Older women remember their favorite Disney princess, and still buy pyjamas, t-shirts and lots of other merchandise.

Feld Family Entertainment invited Harry, Charlie and I to see Worlds of Fantasy last Friday. The show was very well done, and Charlie’s favorite part was the segments of the story of The Lion King.I was fascinated by Pumba, who skated on all four skates. I couldn’t work out how the person in the suit was doing it. Charlie didn’t care about the technicalities, he just loved the images, especially of the interpretations of the animals – gazelles, wilderbeasts, lions, birds… all on skates.

The show is probably best suited to the under-10 age group, although we all enjoyed ourselves. The venue was packed, and there were so many little Disney Princesses all dressed up everywhere it was like the Royal Ball! They were incredibly cute. The show moves to Denver Coliseum from 11th to the 13th of December, and if you use the code MOM when booking through Ticketmaster, you can get four tickets for $44 for Monday-Friday matinee shows (a much better idea for little ones), and $4 off Friday night and weekend shows.

Glade's sweet smell of good social media PR with Edelman

mediamum — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:57:07 +0000

This week I was happily invited to join some other Colorado-based bloggers for a few adult snacks, refreshments and the opportunity to build a basket of goodies to take home. It was a great evening, put on by Glade’s parent company, S. C. Johnson’s wonderful PR team from Edelman in Chicago, to promote their Sense & Spray product.

This event demonstrated Edelman actively identifies good people for brands to work with, and can put together an event that suits all parties. Edelman has fantastic staff, for a start. The company also teamed with social media expert, Ann-Marie Nichols, to ensure they are hitting the right targets.

If you ask me, Ann-Marie and Edelman are smart operators. After meeting/catching up with them on the evening, my belief is that the bloggers were hand-picked to represent ethical, good quality content providers who actively engage with their readers. Women who are authentic. At a time when companies are seeking out mommybloggers more than ever, there are now bloggers who do nothing more than run around the USA for the opening of every envelope. Smart companies, like Glade and Edelman, see beyond what I’ll call “the usual suspects.” (Yes, I’m biased. I was invited.)

Edelman’s staff were well equipped with plenty of information for us to take home in the best format – a USB drive. The activity of putting together our basket of goodies allowed us to chat about the product informally, and we also had fun coming up with possible names for a new Glade scent. (Yes, someone said Bacon. I said Aussie Bush. Ambiguity FTW.) I was so lucky to have Jen Goode so kindly say yes to drawing by freehand (magic marker) one of her lovely penguins on my mug.

It has pride of place on my desk and reminds me how special women entrepreneurs like her are. I have always loved Jen’s designs and you can check the penguin ones out on her blog, and buy a whole range of stuff featuring them. She also does other designs too. She’s an amazingly talented woman in so many areas. I feel so lucky to have actually met her too now.

The event was a great success for Glade. The bloggers discussed myriad issues beyond and including the product, and we all came away feeling positive – and that associated value rubs off. Edelman gets it.

But the goal kick for me was the extra mile Edelman went for me. Here’s the thing:

We were all offered a basket to give away on our blog. Awesome. However, I asked if it would be okay for me to give it away to anyone, anywhere – given some of my readership is in Australia. Glade is a global brand, but I completely said I understand if that’s not okay. I just needed to be clear on my blog. On the spot, the Edelman ladies said “Absolutely, we will make it work. We will send the basket to anyone who wins.” So I’m stoked. I love that foresight and appreciation of my needs.

And I’m excited to give away this lovely basket of goodies to you, even if you’re an AUSSIE!

What you'll win! (The mug will be a fresh one that you can draw on. Great if you're like Jen Goode!)

The basket contains a snuggly IKEA blanket/picnic rug, Swiss Miss mix with mini marshmallows, eye cover, ceramic mug and some permanent markers to decorate it with, and the wonderful new Glade Sense & Spray plus a refill that we have had now in our bathroom for a few days. It smells great and with the refills costing under $4 each (USD), and them lasting about a month each, even graduate students and startups can afford it (ahem).

HOW TO WIN!

To enter is easy – Leave a comment below with your recommendation for a new scent for Glade, focused on Australia. It can be funny or serious. The winner will be picked by Harry and Charlie on Wednesday and I’ll contact you via Twitter/email (make sure you leave contact details). I’ll also announce the winner on the blog. Go for it!

Airlines don't understand mums and marketing

mediamum — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:26:22 +0000

There’s something magical about arriving at the airport with all your luggage and just two of your kids for the upcoming 28 hours of travel between countries, and reaching the check-in counter to find out every bag comes in just under the 23kg weight limit. Score.

And there’s something even more special about being handed your boarding passes and passports, turning around and seeing the 11yr old has just decked the 9yr old, and he is laying on the floor groaning loudly, holding one leg to an audience of passengers who are surely thinking ‘Oh My God, I hope they’re not sitting next to us.’

5 minutes in, 27 hours, 55 minutes to go.

How to make a flight a dreaded experience

We flew back to the US yesterday on United Airlines. Apart from the following treasured moments, we arrived safely:

a. Wholly inedible ‘food’ which really was probably the worst I’ve ever had on the long haul part, and food that’s more expensive than eating at Spago for the domestic route. (And far less tasty. Yes, I’ve eaten at Spago. Once. It was wonderful. I’m classy. I am. Stop laughing.)

b. Lack of in-seat entertainment which is very entertaining for my spoilt kids who were expecting personal movies and tv, yet had to watch tv shows like Desperate Housewives on the screens in the aisles instead. (I do remember my own childhood flights to the UK when there was just one movie for the whole flight, and the headphones never worked. I tried telling them that but they didn’t care and then they got more annoyed. They did manage very well in the end. But I digress).

c. Being checked into three seats on the US domestic part of the journey which were single seats in equidistant, very distant seats which I find very difficult to believe was accidental because we checked into the domestic flight, getting boarding passes an entire day before (see earlier part about children punching each other). There is no way there weren’t three seats together when I checked in. Mind you, I was easily trumped by a poor woman with five kids under five, who had all been seated all over the plane. That’s just completely stupid. I was momentarily tempted to tell the attendant not to bother reseating the kids, but just to reseat this other mother and myself somewhere and bring us a bottle of bubbly.

d. The lack of real assistance for a woman with four children travelling alone, whose 3yr old would NOT stop screaming for about 3 hours in the last quarter of the long haul flight. She was forced to stay in her seat with that kid because she couldn’t leave the others. I knew that. I’ve got lots of kids and have usually travelled alone with them. One kid will cry, or take a particular liking to the novelty of the plane’s bathroom and insist they have to go constantly, or need something from the one bag in the overhead bin. It’s a drama. Something simple could have made her journey easier. Such as a flight attendant saying, “what can I do to help?” instead of ignoring her.

Sidebar: I’ll never forget the Qantas flight Jed and I took while I was still nursing Charlie, about 6 years ago. The dinner came, and there was no way I could cut it up – my arm was indisposed with nursing child. I said to leave it with Jed and I’d get to it later. The Qantas attendant decided that was okay and she’d do it if I preferred, but how about if she cut the dinner up, and just left the dinner and a fork (rather than the whole tray), and then I could manage it while it was still hot? She was awesome. I remember that still. Six years later. I even remember what the flight attendant looked like. That’s good branding.

Market your flights to mums

This is a trip that costs about $US1000 a seat return – minimum. There are a couple of hundred people on the plane, who’ve all paid at least that amount. This is not a bus. People are tired, stressed and emotional. Being an attendant on these flights is hard work. But it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a flight attendant go beyond the most basic of service effort and everyone’s flight would have been better if that kid had stopped screaming.

On our trip over another woman was left standing in the queue with her three kids. The flight had been delayed. It was 2am. The smallest kid was asleep. She had carry-on luggage. She was really struggling. And the attendants all ignored her.

Yes, I helped her as I could, and Charlie even offered too. If an 9yr old gets it, why don’t the airlines?

When we finally boarded that flight, the ground staff said the standard “how are you?” I said “good, and you?” His reply was “tired.”

Well stuff you.

My reply? “At least you’re getting paid.” I should have added ‘and don’t have to sit on the plane for the next 16 hours with kids, and haven’t just had a 3 hours flight to get here, and then waited 9 hours for this delayed one.’

Sheesh. I wonder who’s more precious? My kids completely expecting video on demand in their seats, or these airline staff who seem to think we owe them something more than the price of a ticket.

Instead of focusing on leg room, loyalty programs and discount prices, it would be great to see an airline focus on really going beyond the call of duty to make your flight the best you’ve ever had. If an airline marketed to mothers, they’d see these women are the decision makers, who travel with their families (more ticket sales), and to be honest, it’s the simple things like offering a pair of hands when needed that will make a mother like you more.

Or maybe that’s just too hard. Too much to ask.

The Startup Kid

mediamum — Fri, 22 May 2009 22:41:56 +0000

Running a startup isn’t easy on anyone.

The glorious trails of successful entrepreneurs are littered with the scars of broken relationships and bitter resentment of cold dinners and missed birthday parties.

It takes a special kind of relationship to weather the storms of startup life.

At Darling Harbour, Sydney.

It takes a special kind of kid too. A kid who will understand that daddy or mummy can’t make it to every school function. That we can’t afford summer camp.

It takes a special kid who will say okay through his tears as he’s torn from his Australian home, his dogs, his school friends, because he knows that what we’re working on isn’t a normal sort of job like his friends’ parents have.

This week we have begun graduation celebrations for Harry as he completes year 5. I got to make a dedication to him the other day at school, as did all the other parents in his class to their kids.In typical startup style, I did this one alone because Jed’s in Silicon Valley at the moment. The Kleenex was really getting passed around that circle.

Why so much Kleenex? It was his teacher’s fault really. She got us to close our eyes and think of when we were having our child, their infancy, and years in elementary school. And then open our eyes and take our turns to speak from the heart to our child in front of everyone (you could pass if you wanted to, but nobody did – this is Boulder, after all ).

Now, I cry at the drop of a hat. I can’t walk into that darned school without automatically tearing up it seems (sigh). But for this dedication, while others were a bit of a mess, I hardly cried at all.

And while it surprised me at the time, I know why.

Harry is an incredible kid. He was made for the startup life. I won’t be a bit surprised if he ends up living it himself. (Good grief, I hope he scores a partner as well as his dad did ). Harry’s adaptability is remarkable. Many kids would have resented the move to the US, and that would have been understandable. Not Harry, even though he misses Australia very much.

Harry's idea of cleaning up his room

He’s no angel though. He has a cheeky side and he’s a daredevil. I was told of his decision to ride a waterfall while hiking, stopping just short of a massive drop – nearly giving everyone watching a heart attack. And we will never forget him barrelling down Eldora mountain on a snowboard without a single turn and nearly hitting a bus in the car park – grinning afterwards.

Everyone who knows us as a family will agree that Harry is the one who most wears his heart on his sleeve. He hugs everyone. Repeatedly.

He is honest and open. But he can’t sleep if he’s feeling bad about something – he has to get up and talk it through. And he has a strength of character and self-belief which overcomes every obstacle. He’s never said “I’ve had enough.” He just keeps going. It’s that tenacity that is so inspiring and awesome.

And I can’t cry about that. I can’t cry about changes at all – for Harry the world is his oyster, and he’s loving the adventure. He doesn’t care that much about stuff he hasn’t accomplished yet – he’s just going to keep trying. And he’s not concerned about being the best at everything. He just wants to give it a go.

Last week his performance on drums at the big 5th grade concert that combined musicians from 3 schools was incredible. He was on time with every beat. He enjoyed it. And he’s such an individual, he wore his lucky hat too

I can’t wait to see what he tries his hand at, and surprises us with, in Middle School. They’re gonna be lucky to have him. As are we.

Congratulations, Harry. We’re so proud of you, and grateful for all you give back to us every single day.

Talking with your teens about sexting

mediamum — Wed, 20 May 2009 22:13:55 +0000

What to do about (drum roll) sexting? Approaching the topic of sexting in a way that best meets a receptive outcome from your teenager is paramount. And grabbing their mobile phone to go through every message is not generally going to get a positive response. Unless…

Did you originally say to your teen “Hey, I’m gonna go through your phone occasionally to check up on you?” If you did, then it’s reasonable that you would act on the promise. But if you provided the phone to the teen without any indication you’d be doing it, then I believe your teen will think you’re being unreasonable. And how about if the teen bought the phone with their own money?

Awkward.

We all want to raise a kid who is responsible, independent, and who cares for their own, and others’ well being. While they’re little you can best do that by telling them how to act, showing them how it’s done (by demonstrating it yourself) and monitoring them as you encourage them to do the same.

When they’re teens, it’s time to let them start doing that on their own. In my opinion, in order for teens to demonstrate their own responsibility and integrity, they need to have the opportunity to do it. That’s hard to do when the media’s telling you scary stories about sexting. You need to put something in place, but still work from the standpoint that you trust your teen (if you do and want to continue to).

That’s hard to do, I get that. And every parenting situation is different, I get that too. But it’s apparent this is something many people are struggling with. So here are a few idea-starters to get you thinking about a more positive way of approaching the topic with your teenager.

1. Have a contract.

With every piece of technology there is an inherent basis of responsible use. Whether that’s with the equipment itself (such as don’t throw the phone around) or with the manner in which it’s used (such as don’t send 500 messages a day, and watch your language). A great way of demonstrating you mean what you say is through having a contract dealing with both of these areas. You could create one yourself, or ask the family to contribute to what they think should be in it. And then everyone who uses the equipment gets a copy to sign. Let me be clear – this contract is something everyone adheres to. It’s not just for the kids. You don’t get to throw your phone around and expect them not to. You have to follow through. Not only that, but the contracts, when signed, should be displayed in the person’s regular space at home as a subtle reminder.

You might think this is a little ‘out there’ – but when you think it through, you’ll see that it’s a transparent way of linking to all that stuff you taught your kids when they were younger. It just gives them some control and treats them as a more independent, free-thinking person. And hey, you need to make it clear they don’t have to sign the contract. It’s optional. And so is the phone.

Then if someone breaks the contract with any kind of irresponsible use, it’s easier to demonstrate why there’s a problem. It gives you a foundation to work from that everyone understands.

2. Demonstrate how things live forever online

Having a great relationship with your teen doesn’t mean you unequivocally know they’re going to do the right thing all the time (you can’t). It does mean that you’re prepared to let go a little and trust that they want to be responsible, and will be pretty likely to be, even without you standing behind them with a rolling pin (tempting though it might be). Also, let’s assume that your teens can make a logical progression of thought and have interest in their own well being. With all that in place, this becomes a no-brainer. (As much as a no-brainer and teens can be, anyway. )

Have a chat and say you’ve read stuff about sexting (read up a bit first – nothing loses respect more than not knowing what you’re talking about). Say you get it. This stuff can be fun, and it’s shared only between people you trust. There’s never any idea that something bad will happen or that someone’s going to be mean.

But people get angry. People fight. Have you ever slammed a door or said something nasty to someone you cared about? No matter how much you want to take it back, and apologise, it still got said. But words tend to ease with time. Images and text, however, don’t.

Stuff lives forever online.

Let’s say someone gets angry and posts a compromising picture somewhere online. They can regret it and take it down, but it’s still up there in search engines.

Try two projects:

a. Put a picture of something that is personal, but that you’re comfortable with online somewhere. Leave it there for a few days, then take it down.

Then search for it. Use everything you like. Treat it like it’s a treasure hunt. Treat it like you’re a journalist and you’re writing a story about that picture. What kind of lengths will you go through to find it? How hard is it? Then once you’ve found it, how easy is it to then forward it to every person you know?

b. Think of all the people you know who have a web-based email account. (A lot, right?) Then think of how many contacts they’d have in that account. (Again, a lot. Hundreds each, possibly.) In fact, you’ve probably got a web-based email account yourself. Go to www.spokeo.com (or a similar site). Using your mail account you can sign up and find out what everyone in your address book has posted across lots of different social media sites.

Think of when you try and apply for a job. This is better than Facebook for a human resources person. And it lives forever. Look yourself up. What would a human resources rep think of you right now?

By working with your teenager you’re showing them you trust them to act as responsibly as they can. You’re also giving them the opportunity to initiate conversations, to take control and showing them why it’s important.

I’ll finish by reiterating that this situation is different for every family, and I totally understand that. That said, I believe this is just one, positive way of approaching a very delicate subject, and it could bring you closer together rather than threaten your relationship. Sailing the tumultuous ocean of teenage parenting is challenging. I’d like to ride this wave with our teens instead of against them.

Why my family loves Boulder

mediamum — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:58:40 +0000

I never dreamed I’d live anywhere other than Sydney, Australia.

When you’ve got a good job, a house you’re constantly doing ‘something’ to, kids, dogs, routine… the last thing you think of is moving. Anywhere. Least of all to a country you’ve never been to before. But then I came home from work one day and Jed told me his start-up dreams weren’t done with itechne. He had a bigger one. To go to the US and launch what was to become scribetribe.us.

And I said okay, we’ll Skype and email.

But he had a different plan. He convinced me to take (another) chance.

We packed up and moved to Boulder, Colorado in August 2008.

Now, lots of people have written about the great things Boulder has to offer in terms of nightlife, culture, the outdoors and the tech scene. And it’s all true and fantastic. I am loving being a part of all of those things. But above everything else, I’m a *proud* mum. And Boulder is an amazing place to raise kids.

Harry and Charlie are aged 8 and 11 and have come to Boulder with us. They have swapped their Sydney private school blazers and ties, frenetic life-by-the-clock, mum out teaching three nights a week, no friends within walking distance, and a home where they weren’t allowed to play out the front due to the traffic – for this:

A lifestyle that is similar to that I remember as a kid. One I thought you couldn’t give your kids any more, because “times have changed.”

They’d never seen snow before we moved to Boulder. Here they love it.

On top of all that, the (public) school they go to has the best educators I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. They have been wonderful in helping my kids move to not only a new home, but a place where feet and inches, and American history are completely different for them. They’ve made the transtition incredibly smoothly – and it’s largely due to the school. (I’ve already celebrated Bear Creek Elementary in an earlier post.)

For me? The start-up widow? I’ve swapped a lifestyle where the drive to work each day took an hour of fume-laden highways, teaching in this college at Granville:

For being a part of the University of Colorado, which is slightly more attractive.

And on top of everything else, my husband is throwing himself into his life’s dream. He’s happily working on seemingly endless adrenaline, at all hours. But he tries to take a run each day and instead of it being beside a road where it’s simply not safe after a certain hour, it’s up around NCAR where deer graze.

So I guess the thing is, when you think you’re settled and couldn’t think of moving, think again. A bit of unsettling could be the best thing you do for your family. Especially if Boulder is where you end up. If you’re in tech and thinking about moving to Boulder, get in touch with the guys at Boulder.me.

The importance of teaching

mediamum — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 03:54:05 +0000

In Australia I spent a heck of a lot of money on educating my four fantastic children. It won’t surprise many that as an educator, and someone who got her post-secondary education ‘the freaking toughest way you’d ever decide to’, education is my priority. It’s what I do. It’s really my life.

As a full-time teacher at Granville TAFE, my favourite times have been at TAFE graduations, watching refugee immigrants to Australia graduating with a TAFE qualification, and the pride they have with even the youngest of their families in suits, to see dad or mum graduate with their diploma. It’s about so much more than the qualification – for the parents as well as the kids. And I sincerely miss it more than I can say.

In Australia we live in a lovely semi-rural environment. To get access to the education I wanted for our children I made sacrifices. I’m not just talking about not taking holidays. I mean taking my own cut lunches to work, not buying coffees at cafes, working outside of the home even though caring for four children is more than a full-time job in itself - real middle class stuff that means giving my kids an education I wanted them to have. Even then, however, I had issues. Teachers cutting corners. Not doing the job I wanted. A few times I was forced into a dialogue with the principal about issues that never should have arisen.

So we moved to Boulder. I have been asked a few times how I started with making such a big move. Well, the first thing I did was check out the schools.

Before anything else, I checked out how the school system worked and found the best school for our children. THEN when that was decided, I looked for the house. (Which is basically next door to the school – WIN).

And after nearly a school year at Bear Creek Elementary, I have to say I have never, ever seen educators like this – even through paying an exorbitant amount in Australia. Literally.

Our children are thriving in an environment which is supportive, works with families and absolutely and unequivocally wants kids to succeed. When I meet with my kids’ teachers, I am regularly brought to an emotional state (insert *embarrassing try-to-hold-back-tears-moments here). Their care and concern for my children is so touching it makes me want to be a better parent every single time – to keep track with their own concern. (And hey, I’m already a pretty awesome mum.)

And it makes me want to be a better educator at college level too. I want to help other people reach beyond their comfort zone. To find their feet. To get confident. To look at their futures with anticipation – not trepidation.

I want to be the teacher that my kids have here in the US. Bear Creek Elementary in South Boulder is an incredible foundation of learning for children that I am so grateful for. My kids are thriving in the US – not thinking of academically, (although that’s fine too) but in confidence and strength of personality. Bear Creek’s teachers and principal and support staff are incredible. My family has benefitted directly from everything you do. And I learn from you. And even I gain confidence from you. Thank you so much.

What Twitter means to me

mediamum — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 03:34:07 +0000

I joined Twitter on my first trip to the US, in 2007 at the Web 2.0 conference in San Francisco. And I remember thinking it sucked. I had no connections other than the conference channel – which was tweeting basically nothing. That sucked.

Segway (does it have a ue?): I’m a tertiary level teacher of marketing and journalism in Oz, and every Christmas break (5 weeks long) I commit myself to a private research project. That year I committed myself to social media – particularly, Twitter. And I got back on board.

With a vengeance.

I joined @STUB and met other Sydney based Twitterers in real life. I extended those relationships online and people all over the world are now part of a network I’m happily claiming to be my friends. Not even in air quotes.

So my summer research has now, 2 yrs later, become a network of over 1650 people. Many of whom I know care about me just as they do other friends in their life. And if you are, at this point, thinking “is she going to talk about me”, then you’re one of the people I feel most close to.

Far from making me a desperate online loser, I sincerely believe online communities are the families and friends of the future. Durkheim – I love looking at your crap, but you’re a bit wrong. We are distanced, but we are strong.

To all my friends who started with Twitter, I am so grateful to have you. You have changed my life for the better. What a great summer project you were. What an amazing present and future you offer.

Thanks.

Win family tickets to Disney on Ice in Denver!

mediamum — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:50:29 +0000

Taking the family out can be tough when the economy is having a downturn and there’s more month than money.

That’s why I’m really excited to give you the chance to win a great prize in my blog’s very first competition! And if you don’t win, I have a code which will give you the opportunity to buy your family of four or more tickets for just $11 each!

If you live in Colorado, the lucky winner will receive a family pack of four tickets to Disney on Ice, being held at the Denver Coliseum from March 12. The family four-pack prize is good for either the first or second night’s show.

There are a few ways to win. You can do as few or as many as you like:

1. Comment on this post with your email/twitter ID (1 entry).

2. Tweet a link to this competition and let me know about it by putting @mediamum AT THE END of the tweet (1 entry).

3. Post a picture of glorious Colorado ice/winter/snow (tweet the link, or add link to your comment, or BrightKite or TwitPic it). Again, if you tweet the link you need to let me know abou tit by putting @mediamum AT THE END of the tweet (1 entry).

So, there are ultimately 3 entries you can choose to have! Go for it! I’ll be announcing the winner on the evening of Sunday 1st March here on my blog and on Twitter too. Good luck!

If you miss out, here’s the code – and you can share this with everyone, including your school so everyone can benefit! Go to www.Ticketmaster.com, go to the Mom Central box and insert the code: MOM to get four tickets to any of the Denver shows for just $44! That’s less than you’d pay for a movie!

Show Dates
Thursday March 12 at 7:30pm
Friday March 13 at 11:00am, 7:30pm
Saturday March 14 at 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm
Sunday March 15 at 11:30am, 3:30pm, 7:30pm* *Spanish Performance
Get 4 tickets for just $44 offer is good on all performances, minimum purchase of 4 tickets required; additional tickets above 4 can be purchased at $11 each. Not valid on Front Row or VIP seats or combinable with other offers.

Has Rosemeadow forgotten Dean?

mediamum — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 01:34:24 +0000

Once upon a time, there was a big lake that crossed two suburbs, Ambarvale and Rosemeadow. Surrounded by ticky-tacky public housing, the murky lake was home to eels and ducks that those local residents who couldn’t afford the cost of movies for entertainment would feed with stale bread. The children of the areas would group up with friends and hang out around the lake, playing in the marshes and poking random things found floating in the reeds with sticks.

Until one day a few kids found a suitcase floating in the lake.

They dug it out, opened it and discovered what they thought was a dead pig – but it wasn’t. As time and months of police investigation would reveal, the kids had found a child. A 2-year-old named Dean Shillingsworth who had been beaten to death by his own mother.

If truth is stranger than fiction, then this news story was. However, what makes any story like this even more shocking is when it happens close to home. On one level, that means it could happen to you, or someone you directly know. On another level, it means it could happen where you live. And this happened at our local big park in Rosemeadow and Ambarvale, NSW, really close to my own home, just one suburb away.

Rosemeadow has a large amount of public housing. Small 1970s townhomes and condos, all the same, bunched up together, populated with people who cannot afford to buy or rent in a competitive marketplace. It’s choc-a-block. And what makes it even more garish is the fact that it is bordered by what is sold by local realtors as the best housing estate in the Macarthur region – Glen Alpine. The estate where the Labor party’s champion couldabeen Prime Minister, Mark Latham lived while he was pitching for the land’s top job. Glen Alpine has 1200 houses and a small community shopping centre with tennis courts for hire – all in great condition. Instead of the McDonalds of Rosemeadow, Glen Alpine features McMansions. And the only real thing separating the two areas is one road, Englorie Park Drive. Oh, and quite a few thousand dollars.

The discovery of this poor neglected child saw media reports that ran the story into the ground. The locals began to refer to him as The Lake Angel. Local clergy attempted to bring peace to the area, and saw this as an opportunity to get the people of Rosemeadow to hold those dear to them, and create a sense of community sadly lacking from an area where people were basically living on top of each other. There were candlelight vigils around the lake for the child, attended by over 1000 people. Stuffed toys, flowers, memorials that stayed for many months after the discovery reminded the community of the type of tragedy that can happen in our own backyard.

But within a few short months, media reported the local bus company declared it would not run buses through parts of Rosemeadow due to people throwing rocks at the drivers. There have been regular incidences of fights in the streets, and today the Sydney Morning Herald reports on another massive escalation of violence.

It is clear to me that if Australia had the same gun laws prized by America there would be many more dead people in Rosemeadow to date. Anger appears to run through the veins of people living in this suburb full of public housing.

But with the same breath I would assert that the type of sense of community I have seen in Boulder could do much to assuage this anger and pain. This Christmas, the amount of goodwill shown by the community of Boulder to those in need was remarkable. The collections for charity in retail stores were overflowing with goods donated by the general public – I saw them everywhere. And many retaillers added an extra dollar to your purchase which went directly to charity over the season. And everyone was happy for it to happen.

I am left wondering if only Australia could combine this sense of community, of general concern and caring for other people, with its admirable gun control laws…. perhaps there’d be less tears.

Hiking with Harry

Our visit to Vail

mediamum — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 21:52:39 +0000

Yesterday we took a road trip to Vail. It’s just two hours away. I found a great sledding area in Vail courtesy of a website which lets you locate good sledding runs (free) in your neighbourhood. We entered the address in the GPS, and off we went!

The day cost us nothing apart from the car’s petrol and wonderful pizza we ate for dinner. We’ve discovered the following:

a. I need snow pants. Now. Because when I have a frozen wet bum I get grumpy.

b. Charlie is a daredevil on the flexi-sled. He’s worked out that he needs to keep his whole body off the ground and entirely on the sled for the best run and for speed. He flies and cares little about danger… or direction.

c. Harry seems to be a natural snowboarder. He doesn’t even own a skateboard, but managed to stay upright for a long way on his new snowboard. His balance is amazing and he just loves it.

d. Vail is spectacular. We are definitely going back, and will probably make it at least an overnight trip. The whole place is like a gingerbread storybook land. You can see a little in my video![youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbvpgLfHMuY]

Hiking with Harry

mediamum — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 17:13:10 +0000

Harry loves to hike through the Rocky Mountains. There are more trails around here than you can poke a … hiking staff at. (Sorry.)

Harry’s decided to do a series of Hiking with Harry videos, which will show everyone a little bit of what new things he’s experiencing in hiking in a completely different environment. This is his first one, where he is seeing his first ever frozen lake. The quality of the video and editing limits this talented young man because it’s done by his mum! But I’ll get better, I promise!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoXjCFYMt-I]

Flapdoodle's pumpkin diet

mediamum — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:19:37 +0000

Halloween is officially over. The only candy left is the real crud that nobody will eat so I’m about to chuck it out. That’s not bad for an entire month!

The other great thing was the jack-o-lanterns. We had heaps of fun carving them with our US friends and they decorated the outside of the house with their scariness for a while. And the kids even had a jack-o-lantern competition at school which was amusing. (Though why so many parents feel they have to do the jack-o-lantern for their kid like some work of art, and then put the kid’s name on it when it was obviously done by the parent is beyond me. Some people need to get a life.)

Anyway, back to the real story here. The jack-o-lanterns, if carved, go ‘off’ in about a week, so the kids painted and googly eyed etc two pumpkins for school. When they brought them back home we put them on the front verandah… and Flapdoodle decided it was his buffet time.

We have been highly amused by Flapdoodle’s obsession with our pumpkins. (Yes, we are that desperate for entertainment.) Finally he has eaten both of them. And they were quite large! Luckily for him, he left the googly eyes and pipe cleaners, and he’s still running about so they didn’t kill him.

Flapdoodle, king of pumpkin one

Attacking pumpkin two

The massive difference between A and B

mediamum — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 23:48:03 +0000

I am swimming in the B pool and I’m not happy. (Don’t try telling me getting a B is okay. It’s not.)

I have some kick-ass papers to write. I have a great brain and a wealth of experience. But I’m not getting the grades I want.

Graduate school is difficult. This week I had what I’d describe as a ‘crash and burn 24 hours’. There were lots of reasons to just go back to work. Lots. But in talking with my husband and friends I realised these ‘reasons’ were things that could be changed if I wanted to find a way to make that happen.

So I’ve made a plan to fix things. A better approach. I will be far more efficient at note-taking, writing (so that includes drafting, revising and final drafts… not just one draft), and research. I will talk to people I respect, and tie myself to my professors. I am not going to study myself to death. I am not going to be so fearful of writing the wrong thing that I leave it and end up writing it without checking. I’m going to write it anyway, and then check it up and rewrite it instead.

All this seems obvious. And it is. Unless you’re living it.

So that’s basically it. Oh, and the capstone is the kids and I have a deal. When I do pull myself out of the B pool, we are having a family party – complete with glow sticks from Dollar Tree, disco music and junk food.

No related posts.

It's time to kill Lynette, the post-feminist failure.

mediamum — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:37:01 +0000

I was wondering which of the Desperate Housewives I am. I don’t have a gardener, we’re not rich, my kids are not dysfunctional, I’m not blonde in real estate and I’m not pretty and stupid. I guess some would say Lynette is the closest to me, because she has billions of children and was a great worker outside the home. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I adore that I’m a mum of four children. Each of my kids is incredible and I’ve learned so much about myself and life’s purpose with having each othem around. I’ve been a parent for 17 and a half years now. That’s a really long time – nearly half my life. when I had my first child, I was about 10 years younger than any of the other mums in the parenting groups, and I was pretty much a fish out of water. But even though it was incredibly challenging, I did it, and did it really well.

I also worked outside the house. Because I wanted to. And that fantastic juggling act was about the most impressive thing I’ve ever done. It’s not about being a ‘superwoman’, it’s about being an individual. Someone who wants to try to do as much as possible and doesn’t want to make “choices” that the women’s movement and society says you should.

I gave birth to both my second child and my first magazine for ACP in the same year, without a nanny or cleaner or whatever. How did that work? I pitched a plan to my publisher, Nick Chan, that I would telecommute (the first ever at ACP) and guaranteed him that he would get the best editor for the job if he appointed me. Even though someone else wanted the job (who was also female, but not pregnant at the time), he gave it to me. Some would congratulate Nick for that – what a forward thinking guy he is. I find that pretty condescending and basically offensive to both Nick and me. I know Nick is an incredible professional and he appointed the person who was going to do the best job, all things considered. It was a business decision, not a ‘socially courageous’ one. He appointed me because I freaking well rock.

How did he know that?

I had put together an 8-page sample of what the magazine would look like, gathered a small team of potential staff, and done a budget. I made commitments to him about how the magazine would run and undertook my own market research with that team of potential staff. I approached it professionally.

And I followed through.

Far from the ‘easy’ road, it’s had its challenges. My kids have grown up in a variety of different caregiving arrangements over the years, but never fulltime 8-6pm every day because that’s never been what I wanted to have happen with them. I’ve paid more than I should have had to for childcare because I wanted a particular type, place, time. I have even taken time out from full-time employment a few times because I’ve wanted to take a bit of a break. But I’ve always ended up back in the workforce, in jobs I’ve loved.

I am the sort of person who looks for reasons how to make things work, not reasons why they can’t. I don’t care about social norms, about what’s ‘acceptable’. I’m not post-feminist. I’m not Lynette from Desperate Housewives. I’m not full of aching resentment and confusion about what my role is. I’m loving my life. I mix it up.

I’m sick of people wanting to do one of two things: first, make me some poster girl for women everywhere. While I appreciate you may admire my ability on some levels and I admire women too, I think it’s about taking responsibility for yourself and making things happen for you. Don’t point to me as an ‘example’. You should do whatever you want, and feel empowered to do it. If you don’t feel empowered, then get to the point where you do. It’s YOUR responsibility to find your motivation. I don’t look elsewhere for empowerment, but I do for affirmation. I find affirmation in women who are doing those little tough things that don’t get recognised. I will never forget dropping my kids at daycare at 8am, meeting up with another mum doing the same; however she was actually a shift worker who had started work at 4am, and was on a break from work. She had picked her child up from one carer to take him to the other one at 8am. She was a woman who needed to do something, adored her family and did what it took to make it work.

In both our cases it wasn’t going to last forever. It probably wasn’t going to last even 12 months. Kids grow up, jobs change. But for a period of time you sit up and say this is how it needs to be, and I’m going to make it happen. Don’t look to the spouse, the grandparents, whomever to ‘help out’. If you want it to go a certain way, then you find a way to make it happen.

Secondly, I don’t like people who look at what I do and then find either excuses as to why it is easier for me (oh you must have lots of help at home), or even evidence about why I’m not succeeding as well as I should be (oh you must be a bad mother, or you’re cutting corners). None of that is true – my kids are not only fantastic, well adjusted people, they have the benefit of seeing their mum achieve some pretty amazing stuff while they’re there to share it with me. The boys recognise that women can do anything, at any stage of their lives. And my daughter, at 17, is recognising that she can make choices that suit her in life, not some social norm.

Unlike the women’s movement of the 80s, I don’t tell my daughter she can have choices. I want to be a mum who lives her choices – just as any individual can, male or female. I want her to see that working inside the home is just as important as outside, and women can and should be empowered to feel fulfilled doing whatever it is they choose to do, in whatever mix. And that there is a balance that can be achieved, and that balance is different for everyone. And she has to be personally empowered to make a balance for herself. She doesn’t have to thank anyone other than herself for taking it on and making it happen.

Take control. Make your own way. Stop finding excuses for whatever is on the backburner. Find reasons to cook it all up now. Empower yourself and be your own inspiration. Get rid of Lynette.