Mediamum » feminism

What would you do… if you knew about an affair?

mediamum — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 04:48:36 +0000

If you knew your friend’s husband was having an affair? Who would you tell? Why (aka how I justify this to myself)?

Maybe you wouldn’t say anything at all. Perhaps it’s easier to stick your fingers in your ears and just pretend it will go away. I think that’s a perfectly understandable response when your friend’s future and happiness is at stake. Maybe your decision will be clouded by the length of time, or the intensity of the affair. Or whether you think your friend is oblivious – or aware of it.

Let’s try another one:

What if your female friend began an affair with a guy you know is married?

And then what if that female friend continued that affair for years, while the married guy had a child with his wife, etc?

And then… what if your female friend had a baby to this guy as well… and the guy’s wife is oblivious to it all (or maybe she isn’t – you don’t really know)? And your friend says it’s all fine because she’s going to raise the child as a single mother anyway. She has no intention of ever breaking her ‘relationship’ off.

Do you say something? How do your personal experience, beliefs and values impact on your decision when you’re challenged by the friend factor?

Sometimes we like to think that this is something we’d only ever come across in Dear Abby or some Postsecret postcard because we just don’t know women who would do such a thing. Women who are so incredibly (almost unbelievably) selfish that the feelings and entire future of others just don’t play into their decisions.

Women who do this kind of thing are literally murdering the solidarity of women everywhere. I am no longer friends with a woman who is doing this. Because I cut the tie, and I’m glad I did. Not because it makes me feel noble (I am far from that), but because I’m saving all concerned in this – including myself. I’m the one who would pick up the phone and make this house of cards come down. I would dob it all in, and I would hate doing it. Something tells me it’s the right thing to do.

But I’m not sure it really is. Does calling it out make the situation better? So I just ran. Closed it (and more importantly, the woman friend concerned) out, so that it no longer confronted me. But you know what? It kind of still does confront me because this reeks of the disregard women have for each other and I am affected by that just the same way everyone else is.

Was this the ‘easy escape’ or was it drawing a line in the sand? Both? Neither? You choose.

What would you do if you discovered a good friend of yours was doing this?

Why breastfeeding is like abortion for feminism

mediamum — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:07:56 +0000

Shhh.

Don’t talk about it. It’s not polite.

But make sure you know what you think about it. And be prepared to fight for it, even if you are really not talking about it because it’s not polite.

Try not to judge people for their views (that they’re not talking about because they’re too polite), but whisper about their views and about them… and judge them privately in your own sphere, even though it’s kind of impolite. It’s okay, because it’s a moral thing.

Forget religion and politics. For women, breastfeeding and abortion are the topics that align, define and alienate us. They have become moral panics. They are black and white… and conditional.

“She got raped. She’s not married. She’s too poor. She hasn’t got a good supply. She needs to go back to work. She’s happily married. She’s a stay at home mom. She should be “better educated.” The baby would have been healthy. She’s selfish. She’s sacrificing herself. There’s really no excuse. She doesn’t need an excuse.”

Photo credit: Flickr creative commons, Nationaal Archief

You’re a nazi if you breastfeed. You’re a babykiller if you have an abortion. If you formula feed you’re stupid. If you are pro-life you take away women’s control of their bodies.

No wonder the arguments are so passionate. It’s confusing.

Worse, you can’t be a feminist if you do anything that could be considered by either side as “anti-female.” Boobs out or boobs in. Womb used or unused. Feminists are so divided that no matter what, by some reckoning you’re out of the “club.”

The reason why feminism has fallen apart is because women have become judgmental of each other. We are fragmented. We are fighting.

I fear that because of the ferocity of second wave feminism as well as the 30-year-old Susan Faludi Backlash folklore, we don’t want to understand each other. We are fearful our views and will be harshly judged by the very same women we desperately want to be connected to.

We don’t like to talk about it because it’s impolite. And when we do, we tear each other apart instead of trying to really understand the other point of view. We know we won’t agree. But now we won’t listen either. There is no “live and let live” because it’s become a moral panic.

Second wave feminism believed the bottle and formula were key to being released from the home and getting into the boardroom. Over time, the practice of breastfeeding is being reclaimed as a powerful feministic province. Today, feminism and breastfeeding are aligned. But the stigma and bruises of the battle are still tender.

I’m hearing that you can’t be pro-life and be a feminist. To many, pro-life is equal to anti-woman. I think it’s a shame.

Photo credit: Flickr creative commons, State Library of Qld.

Feminism has achieved so much, but we have lost a lot along the way. The battles of feminism and those of abortion and breastfeeding are tainted with women trying to validate and define their own identities and worth. In the 21st Century, can we not find some level ground of respect? Wouldn’t treating other women with respect, who hold opposite viewpoints, demonstrate an accomplishment for feminism?

Breastfeeding in America

mediamum — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:41:25 +0000

Recently many Twitterers (and their associates) contributed to my survey on American women’s attitudes to breastfeeding and its representation in the media. I promised to share the outcomes of my research and the survey, which this post seeks to do. For those interested, the entire paper (30 pages plus 15 page complete survey result appendix) is available by emailing me or asking on Twitter and I’ll get it to you straight away. If you’d like to see the summary of survey responses, this link takes you to the final Survey Monkey summary.

American Breastfeeding Rates

America has a dismal breastfeeding rate. The World Health Organization and the US’s own CDC recommend babies be exclusively breastfed for the first six months of their lives, and then breastfed with additional food until they are two years old and beyond. The American Government then worked with the CDC in 2000 to develop the Healthy People 2010 initiative. It includes breastfeeding goals which fall short of the WHO and CDC’s own recommendations – that rates of breastfeeding be targeted to 75% initiating breastfeeding at birth, with 50% at six months and just 25% at one year.

Each year since 2000, American media has been fed press release diatribe on how successfully this plan is being implemented. And mainstream media have unquestioningly spurted it back at the general public. Headlines like “Breastfeeding rate soars” (USA Today 2002) and Reuters 2007 story headlined “US breastfeeding rates rise to record high” disguise the real issue – that even after 8 years of a government promotion to increase breastfeeding in America, 25% of women never even try. In 2005 only 11% of American women exclusively breastfed for 6 months (as opposed to the WHO recommendation of 100%) and in 2007 a quarter of women who initiate breastfeeding at birth have introduced formula within the first week of their child’s life.

So what’s the problem?

Media loves boobs – as long as they’re shown in a sexual way. We’re all familiar with advertising and other images of breasts. For example, this 1993 cover image of Janet Jackson on Rolling Stone won critical acclaim. The story focuses on Jackson and her embracing of her sexuality. The focal point is her breasts.

But a full 13 years later, BabyTalk magazine’s cover created outrage. No less than 700 complaints were sent to the editor over a cover promoting breastfeeding. So getting it straight, a magazine committed to mothering and babies, getting flak over a cover which promoted – mothering and babies.

In my paper I explain how I believe this has occurred. The movement of women into the public sphere has seen them embrace their femininity in a new way. There’s a whole “look, I’m in the boardroom and I have breasts” ferocity which has been associated with feminism. Women don’t like being confronted with images which remind them of the roles their mothers had. Feminism’s abject failure through the 1980s and 1990s was its devaluation and disempowerment of the importance of nursing.

Yes, I argue that the feminist movement has contributed to a sociey where even women more readily accept images of breasts that celebrate them on a sexual rather than a mothering level. This is reflected in media too. TV programs such as Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives and Ally McBeal feature women who embrace their sexuality and power as successful. Women who hold traditional mothering roles are less successful, frustrated, angry or just plain stupid.

And then to have the audacity to bring those breasts, feeding infants, into the general public? No wonder women in general lead the call for ‘discretion’ and ‘hooter hiders’.

The survey

I hoped to get about 30 responses. The survey went viral and in three days I received 128 responses. More than a third of respondents added extra information to each of the basic four questions asked. Women have strong views. In my paper I relate this passion to religiosity. The religion of breastfeeding meets all the academic standards of definition. No longer is breastfeeding normal, usual practice. And I find that distressing.

While 95% of respondents did not believe media has any influence over their own ideas about breastfeeding, more than half believe media should show it more often. Clearly, women believe media has an influence over someone (if not themselves). One key response was along the lines of “media doesn’t influence my ideas about breastfeeding because it’s not shown in media.” My assertion is that this absence has just as much influence as if it were shown.

Moving forward

So what does this mean for feminists who embraced the bottle as their key to freedom from the ugliness and backward past? It means that the general public can look at American women and say “hey, are you women so stupid that you need to be told to breastfeed? And after eight years, you still aren’t getting the message?” It means that heck, if you’re an educated woman you need to recognise everything about you that’s powerful, not just breaking through the glass ceiling.

If media showed breastfeeding as part of normal life on television and other media. If it made it present and normal – not a focus of a storyline, but just part of the everyday life of families with babies on tv, then could we begin to see this overtly sexual obsession with breasts change? Could we begin to see women being more accepting of their breasts as being a special part of a relationship with their child, not just as part of the relationship with their sexuality? If, in a similar way to Hollywood reducing smoking in movies, we began to insert breastfeeding into them… what would happen? And what about the international impact this could have? Hollywood movies are seen worldwide.

Certainly our only hope can be to improve on dismal American breastfeeding rates – and who knows where it could end.