Mediamum » Home & Family

Just us Talking: When should kids get to decide for themselves?

mediamum — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 23:24:01 +0000

None of us like to say we live our own lives through our children. We recognise that their lives are their own – not a do-over for ourselves. But what do you do when you see your kids be offered an opportunity that you think is fantastic, but that they want to turn down? What if that opportunity is a really big deal? Can you stand back and let them allow it to pass them by?

It starts early. Sport teams, friendships, perhaps even student council or volunteer stuff… little things. You might want your child to get involved, but they’re reluctant. Some people might nudge their child’s choices in the ‘right’ direction with negotiation or even bribery (oh come on, we’ve all totally done that). Others allow children to have the final say, and then are criticised for allowing their kids to do whatever they feel like.

For example, one of my sons had an opportunity to become part of an organised sporting team. He didn’t want to commit to the formality of it all even though he liked to just hang out with the team while they were training in our local park behind our house and he was always invited to play along too. He liked the relaxed, fun part. He didn’t feel the need for membership, didn’t want the shirt, and honestly, without a car of our own and travel/work schedules, I didn’t need the responsibility of it all. One parent of another child in the team said how “disappointing it was” that my son didn’t get more involved in the team (read: you’re being a bad parent for not getting your child to do this). Over and over again. Sigh, walk away.

That’s just the beginning. Kids grow up. They make bigger choices. Classes, part-time jobs, internships all enter the picture, along with social choices. It actually never gets easier. The kids get bigger, but so do the choices. It’s never easy to just let them make all their decisions.

When do you start giving your kids control over what they choose to do? Perhaps you let them decide, but you bend their ear relentlessly about whether their choice is the ‘right’ one or not. (Pause right here… sorry Bec. I should have been quiet more often. I’ve learned that. A bit.) During the teen years perhaps the parenting becomes more about your ability to nag than the ability to physically have influence and limitations on the choices your kids make. Perhaps we overcompensate with our opinions because our children get to the point where they have the same rights in society that we do?

When do we step back and let them make their choices, just as we make ours, and allow them to see what happens? Perhaps we never really do. My own mum sent me an email at the start of the summer, letting me know that she thinks the kids need a haircut. (She’s right, but they didn’t want one really and as long as it’s clean, I don’t care that much.) I’m 42. I hope she never truly steps back – it made me feel great that she told me what she thought. Then in June I was making Max’s birthday cake. I sent her a picture of the tin I was using. She emailed quickly back, “Don’t forget to grease the pan well, and let it cool for 10 minutes so it doesn’t stick…” Yep, she’s parenting me still from thousands of miles away. I don’t actually have a problem with that at all.

I’m old enough now that I can do whatever I like, and not need my parents’ approval – but I would still prefer it. And I’m glad to have kids that are all over 10 years of age, who are becoming solidly independent individuals. Sure, the kids have their own decisions to make that I’d do differently. But they’re not me, and their choices are not life-threatening unless I let my mind run wild with highly unlikely circumstances which would make them so. For example, I’d prefer one of my sons not play football, but he wants to. I could decide he’s likely to end up with a neck injury because you know, that’s happened to people in the past, so I’d like to discourage him… but I’ve allowed him to drive a scooter in a car park (he crashed), so really they should take the whole parenting licence thing away.

Finally, my 11 year old, Charlie, has caught two buses on his own home from school for over a year – the link stop is outside the supermarket, so of course it didn’t take long for him to decide to go in there for a soda on occasion – he even got his own store loyalty card at the service desk so he gets the discounts! And at Christmas he gave the $20 bill he had in his wallet to a homeless guy on that same corner. It was his choice. And while for us, $20 is a lot of money, for the homeless guy I’d guess it was even more. Charlie’s decision to give his money away would not have been mine. But I’m glad he decided to do it. Because sometimes the decisions the kids make remind me they really know better than me, and they should totally have the freedom to embrace those decisions – and teach me too.

An open letter to our dog’s previous owner

mediamum — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 16:59:57 +0000

Dear unknown previous owner

Last week we went to Boulder Humane Society. After two years of considering this commitment, it was time, Jed said, for us to get a dog. Since moving to Boulder two years ago I have missed my dogs very much, left in Australia. I have missed racing and training in flyball. I have missed having something to use baby talk with. (So? What’s your problem?)

So we threw Charlie in the car, and drove down to “just look” at the dogs. Yeah, we all knew just looking was not going to happen. Who was I kidding?

We walked the cages, oohing and ahhing over all the dogs. Charlie was a few paces ahead of Jed and I. And then Charlie stopped. And he said “ooooohhhhh.” When we took the few more steps to catch up, there he was, scratching the head of a placid, beautiful black lab retriever puppy who occasionally licked his hand. We all melted. An hour later, we took her home.

Charlie and Jet hanging out

Because Charlie and Jed are really very smart people, they got together to name her (because I hate naming things – just ask people how I managed naming the startup – not pretty). And in their wisdom, the dog is named Jet. Because it’s so different to Jed. And when I call, neither of them come anyway, so it doesn’t matter. The dog is from New Mexico. She was picked up as a stray and brought to Boulder, where dogs rule the universe and even black dogs can find homes. So she probably spoke Spanish and has to learn English, and then learn her name. But I don’t know what Jed’s excuse is. Probably the 15 years of blocking out my voice.

The past life

Anyway, so Jet has now been with us a little while. We’re pretty convinced she used to have a family in New Mexico. She shakes hands/paws. She’s super friendly to everyone, and every other dog (which is SO awesome). She walks brilliantly on leash, which makes it a real pleasure to take her out. She likes to hike, and if you were to jog/run (which I don’t), she’d run next to you, at the same pace. I’ve tested it for about a 20 yard stretch. That’s kind of my limit on that.

She is also awesome off leash and stays with you. As long as there are no deer, rabbits or skunks around to take off after. Then it’s sort of messy. (Tip: Skunk eraser washing stuff can be bought at PetCo for $10. Good thing to have on hand. In bulk size.)

So I just wanted to say, to the family that had her in New Mexico – I don’t know what happened, and why Jet ended up at the shelter. I hope your family’s hearts are not broken that she’s not with you any more. I wonder if you had to give her up because of something happening. There was no record anywhere of you owning her. But I’m pretty sure you exist, because the way she is, her demeanor, doesn’t “just happen” in a dog. And we want to thank you. Thank you for our dog who is loved, adored, and gets lots of outdoors time. Thank you for socialising and treating her so well that she is so friendly and loving. Thank you, because this dog is now part of our home, hearts, and living with us in Boulder – the most dog-friendly town ever. We promise you, her life will be very, very special.

Our day at the Colorado Chocolate Festival 2009

Pictures my kids ruined

mediamum — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 15:18:44 +0000

As a blogger, you need lots of good pics. Especially when using a theme that needs a really good one for the main feature (you don’t want a lack of a pic to be something that stops you posting).

I thought instead of just keeping all the pics I’ve rejected from intended posts, I’d actually make a post featuring those pics, so you can share the pain/humour.

Halloween 2008
This was our first Halloween in the US (ie our first real Halloween full stop). Jed was overseas, so it was just the boys and I. We caught the bus to Pearl Street, all dressed up and trick or treated. Harry was addicted to Chris Lilley’s (fantastic) We Can Be Heroes, featuring a character who flips the bird the whole time. He ruined the pictures. I found out after getting home and loading them. Double joy.
So, that was a post that didn’t get written. Harry even continued to do this through our first winter here. I think the effect was a little lost wearing ski gloves. But that didn’t stop him.

So then, like chickenpox a couple of years prior, this disgraceful habit spread to Charlie.

But thankfully, it didn’t last long. (ie I’d had enough and threw a barmy over this practice of ruining pictures.) So these days I get more decent, authentically ruined pictures to try and work with. They’re pictures you used to shove in a shoebox and ignore. They used to take up more than half a roll of film (and still do) but of course these days you don’t have to pay for them. And as a bonus, today I can make a little video featuring all of them, in their embarrassing glory. Thus, I bring you, the Family Fail.

How to make a quick family video with Windows Movie Maker

mediamum — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:32:35 +0000

When Max leaped across from Sydney to join us for three weeks in January, we took lots of pictures. As mums do.

I promised myself I’d get them organised, and create a nice montage. As mums do.

Now we’re halfway through February, and the planned montage didn’t happen because other things got in the way. As they do.

Max enjoying the view.

I decided I was being too much of a perfectionist. I just needed to do it. So this morning I opened the new Windows Movie Maker, and plugged in a series of pictures we took as we hiked the Flatirons.

The pictures included views, close ups of snow, crappy ones of trees, some that were out of focus and even one of Max’s jacket that he’d thrown aside as he climbed the final part of the Flatiron, knowing I was coming up behind. (Even teenagers on hikes think mum will pick up after them.) All of them combined were a memory for us.

For the first time ever I clicked on the Auto Movie feature.

Auto Movie allows you to choose some music to go in the background, from the selection already on your computer.

It then crunches it all, does the transitions for you and so on. You can then watch the result, go in and make a few changes if you would like to, and publish directly to YouTube or DVD, or just save it on your computer.

From the moment I opened Movie Maker to the time I was watching the finished product was within about 40 minutes – much faster than if I’d painstakingly put the whole thing together myself. As I had always done before.

As mums, success is about recognising when you can give a little in order to get things done, rather than be a perfectionist at everything (and let’s face it, rarely are we completely happy with what we produce even after days of working on it). That said, I think Movie Maker did a darned fine job. I like to think I could do better than a automated system, but you know what, just quietly? I think this is probably proof I’m no James Cameron.

Windows Movie Maker has always been a favourite of mine. It’s intuitive, easy (ie obvious) to use for non-techy people, and produces very respectable results that you can easily adjust if you’re unhappy or just want to tweak things.

Windows Movie Maker opens the realm of possibility for my 9 and 12 year olds to make movies without paying for lots of equipment or training. In a world where we want to encourage people to have a voice and create content, ease of use and access for people of all ages and technical abilities is the most important factor. Movie Maker gives that to you. Others don’t.

I hope you enjoy watching the little montage. And I’d love to see your own efforts!

Things you don’t need to buy when you’re expecting

mediamum — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 17:12:11 +0000

As part of my series of posts helping mums and families save money this month with ANZ Febusave, today I’m looking at what not to buy when you or someone you know is “up the duff.” I’m a mum of four children, and I thought I’d seen it all. But the stuff some stores will make you think you need as an expectant parent are so ridiculous it astounds me. While you might not go so far as to put the baby to sleep in a drawer, or bathe it every time in the kitchen sink (as many will tell you is a great way to save some dollars – just make sure you don’t close the drawer into the chest, and that you wash up the plates in the sink first), there are plenty of bits and pieces around that either cost way too much money, are plain unnecessary – or both. If there is such a thing as baby brain, it doesn’t need to extend to wallet pain.

I’ve chosen three things that have easy, inexpensive alternatives. I wonder what other things you think are a complete waste of money?

The pregnancy pillow

This is a pillow. It’s no different to other pillows. Sure, I guess it could be a little bigger. Kind of like if you just put two pillows together. Now there’s a thought.

It’s certainly not worth the approximately $50 price they’re going to gouge you for it if you buy it anywhere from Amazon to Target to Kmart and beyond.

(And by the way, who wants a pregnancy pillow in army commando camouflage?)

Nursing pyjamas

There’s no doubt these are pretty pyjamas (made prettier by the lovely model who in no way looks like she’s beginning a new relationship with a baby.)

But what makes these $64 pj’s qualify as particularly nursing-friendly attire?

The amazing fact that you can pull the front of the V-neck to the side for easy access to the breast. Right. Unlike the $10 non-nursing pj’s you can get at Target?

Now, if you want to spoil yourself and sleep in something pretty and expensive, then go for it. But don’t go fooling us that these pyjamas are anything other than a normal pair of expensive pj’s. And please, use a model who looks like she’s had a baby. You could perhaps add some throw-up on the shoulder. (PS: If you’ve just had a baby and you look like this, then congratulations – and talk to the hand.)

My final overpriced way of fleecing the new mum is not meant to be contentious. While the debate can carry on about breastfeeding in public, I’ve got one particular issue with the supposed cost involved in doing so that isn’t a social one.

Designer nursing covers

It’s great that you intend to breastfeed.

And heck, if you want to use something to cover yourself up a little while you do it, that’s your business. But if you’re willing to shell out $50 for something that is nothing more than a piece of square material with a strap to go around your neck, then you’re loopy. A simple lightweight baby blanket is easier to manage, and costs a couple of dollars (and you’ll get heaps of them given to you anyway). By the way, if it goes around your neck, I have a hard time understanding how you can have eye contact with your child, which is a pretty big deal in breastfeeding. So this isn’t just stupidly expensive, it’s impractical too. I guess it’s called the Bebe Au Lait nursing cover. So it’s fancy?

We’re in training for the 2010 World Speed Stacking Championships

mediamum — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 04:45:20 +0000

Moving to Denver meant we moved to the heart of Speed Stacking. We’d tried it out back in Australia, because you know, it’s freaky to watch so as soon as we saw the ad on tv we just had to give it a go.

The sport hasn’t taken off in Australia like it has in other some places. But Denver is where it originated, and so here we are, equipped with cups, timers and mats.

This sport is great for kids to build their fine motor skills, concentration and team work. I love the flexibility of it all, and the way kids can move at their own pace, and challenge themselves to beat their own times. It’s competitive without needing to beat other people (although you can of course do that). The equipment (some cups) is easily transportable, and fairly inexpensive to buy if you just want the basic set (around $15). I treated myself to a set of little thimble-like cups at the World event last year ($8).

I’m not telling you my times. It’s embarrassing. Instead, here are the current world records, including different countries. I’ll end with a video of the kids at the World Sport Stacking Championships last year. We have the cups out of the toybox now, and are in training for this year, which will be held at the Denver coliseum from April 10-11. There’s an event for adults too, especially as doubles! Anyone want to join me? I promise you can use the standard size cups…

Skiing on a budget with kids in Colorado

mediamum — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 21:37:44 +0000

If you’re looking for a great deal for skiing, then a little preparation is in order. Think it out early, and you’ll save lots. Leave it to the last minute, and you’ll be paying for it – literally. As a grad student mum with extremely limited funds, I have got hold of some great deals, and I wanted to share some resources with you.

The Colorado Gems Card. For a $10 initial outlay per card, you get a whole range of discounts and free ski days at various resorts across Colorado. The card pays for itself after the first one or two times of use – for example, at Eldora it will get the holder $10 off the price of a child’s lift ticket (normally $39 a day), and $15 off an adult ticket (normally $65 a day). (One per person, per card, per day.) The processing takes a week or two, so get it early to make good use of it.

The Colorado Passport gives your 5th grader three FREE days of skiing at over 20 resorts in Colorado, and four days for 6th graders. It’s a really great way to get some good savings across numerous resorts, from Eldora to Aspen. The Colorado Passport is FREE for 5th graders, and $99 for 6th graders. It’s well worth the investment for the 6th grader – look at how much the lift tickets would cost you at the resort you’re most likely to go to, and you’ll see what an impact having the card makes. You need to have a picture of your child to process, and online is the fastest way of doing the application. The site says it takes about 2-3 weeks for processing, but I did it two days ago, and it’s already on its way. Important: You do not have to be a resident of Colorado to get this passport – if you know your family will ski Colorado at any time this season, it’s a great one to get for your 5th or 6th grader!

The School of Shred gives your 5th and 6th graders four FREE days of skiing at all the Vail Resort properties. There is no charge for this card at all, for either grade – just take evidence of enrolment to the pass office at any of the included resorts, and they’ll sort you out with all of it done on the spot. (You can feasibly do this on the day you arrive to ski.)

Additionally, you can get discount lift tickets through local supermarkets such as King Soopers (you need to go there, not able to buy online). There the tickets this season will save you around 5-10% off the ticket office price. Not a massive saving, but everything helps and this is one option for those who find themselves considering skiing the day prior to heading up the mountain.

Ski rentals are expensive on the mountain. If you plan it well, you can rent in town for a cheaper rate. Just be prepared to pick up the afternoon of the day prior to your ski day, and return either the same day, or early the day after you shred. For the front range, Boulder Ski Deals is my rental location of choice, with rentals from just $10 a day for kids skis and even better deals for everyone as the season gets older. You can also try Crystal Ski Shop and the rentskis.com site. All these have deals for group rates, and extended rentals. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Food and beverages are expensive (and are kind of like airplane food in quality) on the mountain, so if at all possible, take your own lunch and snacks. The best skiing seems to happen in the mornings, with everyone winding down after lunch, so don’t think you need to take a heap of food with you – a sandwich, some juice/water and snacks is fine. Remember your chapstick and sunscreen (irritating to be so prepared and then have to buy them on the mountain).

And one final note: Please, rent a helmet. You can get helmets for $10 a day anywhere (in town or on the mountain). In fact, some resorts will charge $10 for the first rental and only $8 for the subsequent ones. We’re all about saving money, but medical expenses are far more than $10. It doesn’t matter how fast you go, if you’re learning, if it’s your first time, or if you’re seasoned – if you want to keep your head and what it has in it, protect it. Helmets keep your head warm, look good, and if you don’t wear one, you’ll be the odd one out on the slopes.

Hopefully this will give you a great start to getting out with your kids on the slopes in Colorado – have fun!

Three tips for the TSA from a mum at Christmas

mediamum — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 02:29:34 +0000

I have four kids. I believe in Santa. This Christmas, we saw yet another moron decide it was a good idea to try and blow up a plane. At Christmas. Christmas is my favourite time of the year and I’ll be blasted (no pun intended) if anyone’s going to take that away from me. So I’ve decided that I’ll let the TSA in on some key things they could be doing to really make a difference at Christmas.

This is important to me. My 15 year old flies to America from Sydney today, with smoke and mirrors security that I have been unable to prepare him for. The fear level is at orange. I think they’re going to pat him down. He might just enjoy that.

But I digress.

Instead of ramping up their already failing theatre of security, the TSA should just ask mums what the best things to do to keepare, given our Santa expertise and knowledge. So here are three little suggestions from the mum who still helps Santa and has never denied his existence, even to her 18-year-old adult daughter.

1. Warning people that they are being watched. My kids know Santa’s watching them. (Sidenote: Saying the Easter bunny watching you isn’t as effective. He doesn’t have as much power. Santa’s the big guy.) Maybe if the TSA ensured all their security staff were trained in really watching people and their behaviour we’d see some real changes.

2. Keep a list – and freaking well check it. There’s nothing worse than having a list of gifts and sorting them when wrapped to find that one kid has more gifts than the Brangelina clan, and another has 3 tiny boxes – and they all came from the Dollar Store. That happens when you make a list and ignore it. The massive failures of the TSA have been associated with administration stuff-ups. The terrorist watch lists are not shared adequately, efficiently or effectively. You can do cavity searches, but getting the terrorist watch list information shared properly might be a little easier. Just sayin’.

3. Hide stuff that you don’t want them to see. For years, I’ve hidden gifts from my kids in nothing more than a few striped raffia big bags with some sheets thrown over them in the formal dining room. (We don’t live there any more, so if my kids are reading this, sucked in.) It kept the gifts a secret because I knew the kids didn’t look in obvious places. While you TSA people are obviously inspecting our belts and shoes and don’t care who knows it, you’re missing the powdered explosive taped all over the body, and the stressed out guy walking around with it taped to his genitals. If I were a TSA officer I’d rather find out about that explosive from the observation of the sweaty guy than a standard genital frisk of every passenger. Unless they’re all Mark Harmon.

So there you go, TSA. Please ensure the safety of my kid and don’t harrass the 99% of people who really don’t need it. Merry Christmas.